Love him for how he is

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A wonderful state of affairs

We spend our entire waking [and some of our sleeping] life moving from state to state. At one time or another we have all experienced states of calm, excitement, confidence, joy, curiosity, compassion, love, contentedness, fun, freedom and much, much more.

The state we are in will greatly affect our behaviour in any given situation. It is much easier to pass an exam when we are confident. It is much easier to learn when we are curious and having fun. It is much easier to help people when we feel compassion. It is much easier to flirt with someone when we have certain states in place. We then become capable of creating great states in other people.

This is one of the major keys to flirting and indeed any human interaction. A sports coach will not motivate his clients if he is in a ‘couldn’t care less’ state. If he is motivated himself he will convey the sensations of motivation as he works with his client. When you go there first yourself, others follow much more easily and willingly.

You can use NLP to remember and recreate any states. AND, when you are at the peak of the state you can create a trigger that, when activated, will automatically recreate the state. We call these triggers anchors. Throughout our lives we have unconsciously picked up anchors for many states some good some not so useful.

I bet you have a piece of music that, when you hear it, causes you to remember in detail the sensations associated with something that occurred whilst listening to that music. Many couples have an ‘our song’. The music is an anchor to the states you experienced. When you play the music you are ‘firing’ the anchor.

Flirting and NLP: Believing makes it so

What you believe about yourself and others will determine how you act. I have a girlfriend who has 2 film-star calibre sisters. My friend is not 'classically' beautiful but she exudes confidence and self-esteem by the bucketload. She draws to her all the people she needs to make her life a success. When she was young her mother and father constantly told her, ‘you are beautiful’ ‘you are clever’. . She told me that she believes she is beautiful. She wasn’t born with those beliefs – her parents programmed them into her.

If someone believes certain positive things about themselves, chances are that, even if they are not everyone’s ‘ideal’, they will be far more successful in developing relationships. There are tools in NLP that we can use to create and programme into ourselves new and empowering beliefs that, once integrated, will allow you to easily attract the people that are right for you.

We all have things we used to believe utterly and now don't. Santa Claus? The Tooth Fairy? We all have things that we completely and utterly believe. For example, do you believe that you have to breathe to live?

An exercise for you to try: As you stop for a moment to think about something that you truly believe in, notice what is going on. When you visualise where is the picture you see? How big is it? Does it have colour? What kinds of feelings do you get and where? Are you hearing anything, either your internal voice or an external voice? And when you think of something that you don’t really believe to be true of yourself but might like it to be so, notice the differences between that and a true belief. I suspect there will be differences in what you see, hear and where you feel it.

These differences are called submodalities. They are the details of your sensory experience. Hearing is a sensory experience, the tone of what you hear, the location, the pitch, tempo and timbre are submodalities of the experience of hearing.

When you see things in your mind's eye, the submodality differences occur in whether it the picture appears bright or dull, panoramic or small, coloured or black and white, moving or still, or whether we are seeing it from inside or viewing it from afar. There are specific submodalities associated with each of your senses. You can play with these and improve your outlook on life and the way you talk to yourself and what you feel.

We can use the methodologies of NLP to apply the submodalities of a true belief to one that we want to believe truly. . On the flirting weekend you will identify the beliefs you want to have about yourself but don’t YET and change them so that you experience them in the same way as you experience those true and immutable beliefs you already have.

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